What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
