WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
