someone threw a dead crab at me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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