fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
