Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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