Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize