so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
