hell yes lets make some ravioli
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
