Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
