Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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