I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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