i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
