Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ketchup is God's man juice
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He? As in you personified your dick?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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