You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You're breaking my sexual little heart
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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