3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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