Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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