I just threw up on my dentist
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i think my cat just said my name.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
