i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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