I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
