I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
