just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
