my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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