he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
