If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
