she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
