I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
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All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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