my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
