There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
