Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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