Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
