I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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