There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
