Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
