Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
