Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
