i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
