Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
