I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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