During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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