and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize