You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm always down for nudity.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
