you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
