Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
