Her vagina should come with caution tape.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
