just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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