Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
