Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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