Do you still have your period?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
