I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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