i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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