Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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