I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize