i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
