dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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