The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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